Forgiveness is Freeing

The past few weeks have been probably the most stressful of my entire year here at school.  It is amazing the way conflict can drain one even more than schoolwork and classes.  But saddest of all perhaps is the way it can harm a friendship. And here it comes folks, the truth I have been harboring for weeks.  I don't really want to be friends with my "friend"anymore. (I'll call her "friend" for the sake of not gossiping).

Am I mad at her?  Not anymore but I was.  Did she hurt me? Yes, but I have forgiven her because that is what I am called to do (Ephesians 4:32).  Do I trust her? Oh no way in hell.  Do I want to be friends with her anymore? No not really.  Am I required to?  And here is the part I have been struggling with.

God calls us to love one another, and be kind.  He calls us to live in community as a family of believers.  But does that mean I have to best friends with everyone that is a believer?

It is always amazing to me the way God reveals his direction to me.  As I flipped through the handout at church this Sunday I felt a sudden mix of dread and excitement.  The message was titled "When Forgiving Seems Impossible" that sounded exactly like what I needed to hear.  It began as I expected it to, how keeping a conflict inside will cause us to burn with anger and leads to bitterness. (Believe me I understood that point).  How we are responsible to forgive wether or not that person asks us to, how we have an unlimited ability to forgive through the Holy Spirit.  And how the question is not can I forgive but will I forgive.

Let me tell you that was hitting me pretty heavy, all stuff I had heard before but needed to work harder at putting into practice.  The pastor also hit on forgiving someone also means praying for blessings in one's life and doing kind things for them.  Hard to do, but at this point  I was convicted to try harder.

Then he said something that surprised me.  He said that forgiveness does not mean 1) minimizing the person's offense 2) the instant removal of hurt 3) the automatic restoration of trust or the relationship without any changes.

There was my answer from God.  Yes he wants me to forgive my "friend", to love her, pray for her, and be kind to her.  However God knows that I have been hurt and he knows I do not trust her and I believe He is telling me, that is okay.  But he is calling me to love her, forgive her, and be kind to her, all things that I can only do with the help of His Spirit.  Forgiveness is freeing after all, and I am ready to let go.

Simple Prayers

Sometimes the simplest prayers can be the most profound.

 This thought came to me as I sat in the hallway of my dorm this evening.  My body was tired from crying and just the exhaustion that comes from expressing to much emotion.  The past couple weeks have been an on going event of dramatic catty-ness from several girls within the Christian organization I am involved with on campus.  I won't delve into details because that would be gossip and slander (although my less than Holy nature would love to vent for all the internet world to hear).

 But sitting in that hallway after begging both my mother and my boyfriend for advice I realized I already knew the answer.  God was the only one to fix this, he was the only one who could mend my heart and the relationships at the same time.  And although all I wanted to do in that moment was the call the girls spiritual babies and fight their fire with yet another match, I paused.

"Lord give me wisdom and forgiveness"

The words came to my mind the moment my eyes closed.  No doubt proof of the Spirit within me knowing exactly what I needed.  It was so simple  and so short.  But absolutely perfect.

There have been many words used to discuss this situation.  Countless words that go on endless, but really only stab and wound more.  In reality the solution only took six.

Lord give me wisdom and forgiveness.

Today I stood on a beach and let the wind blow my hair.  The sun was warm, the water cool, and the breeze strong.  It was in this moment that I realized I am content.  Content not only in where I am right now (which is finishing my first year at a school in the Florida) but also content with where I am going (I am transferring to a school in my home state of Michigan next fall).  This was a big moment for me.

The past couple months have been filled with a constant debate of what to do.  I have prayed constantly for God to speak, I have vented to nearly each and every person I know.  I have asked everyone for their advice.  But the truth is I already knew the answer.  I had known for months that I was no longer happy here, and I had suspected that God was trying to tell me that my time in this place (as in Florida) was coming to an end.  So I filled out the transfer forms, applied for housing, found a roommate.  Everything seemed to fall into place and yet at night I still found myself doubting if I was doing the right thing.  Maybe I was just wimping out.

But then God spoke.

And not in the still small voice that we are so often told he does.  No God spoke loud and clear.  On friday of this week my current school announced that due to excessive budget cuts they would no longer be offering my major.....If I ever wanted to pursue a career in environmental science (which I very much so want to) then my only choice would be to transfer.

And so I stood today on the sandy shore savoring my last days here.  At peace and content.